wade bounces a golf ball in the cabin…

me: ‘wade, stop. you are going to break a tile or something.’

wade: ‘okay. i’m sorry.’

he bounces the ball again…

me: ‘wade.’

wade: ‘what? i said i’m sorry. what do you want me to do, stop?’

****

the guys stayed in sam’s cabin this week, which came outfitted with a fridge, coffee pot, and tv. the kids were explicitly told not to mess with any of this…

about an hour after we arrive, i walk into the cabin to find that not only are there girls in the cabin, which is against the rules, but they are all watching the tv…

youth: ‘oh! sorry!’

i walk around to see that they are watching ‘billy madison’…

me: ‘i love this movie.’

youth: ‘what? you’ve seen this?’

me: ‘dear god, this movie came out when i was your age. i watched it twice a day for five years.’

i sit down and watch the movie with them…

we watch it and ‘tommy boy’ about 3 times a piece the rest of the retreat…

during one such viewing of ‘tommy boy’ the next day, russell walks into the cabin…

russ: ‘oh hey, look at this. girls in the cabin, laying on the bed with boys, and a movie. you guys are breaking just about every major rule we have here at camp.’

me: ‘yeah, sorry.’

russ: ‘nah, it’s fine. this was my youth group when i was a kid. what are we watching?’

he sticks around to finish ‘tommy boy’…

****

tyler and the camp nurse spend a good deal of time together during the retreat, including an incident that involves her sucking chocolate off his finger in the dinning hall, and another where tyler walks into the infirmary after lights out with a pillow, all of which our kids witness and leads them to believe tyler is trying to hook up with the nurse…

the kids respond to this in different ways, but ian’s is perhaps the best. it involves the following:

ian: ‘i think i should try to hook up with the nurse.’

me: ‘oh yeah? you have a crush on her too?’

ian: ‘no, but i want tyler to die alone.’

and later, while we are hanging out in the cabin, and tyler is swinging around a golf club…

ian: ‘tyler, i’m taking the nurse from you.’

tyler: ‘oh yeah? how are you going to do that?’

ian: ‘i conveniently let it slip to her that you don’t go to church.’

wade: ‘ian, do you not realize he has a golf club in his hand?’

ian: ‘whatever, i go to church, i have the power of jesus christ.’

****

our speaker this week, rusty, was a particularly special gift…

here are some gems:

rusty: ‘when i was seven, my parents dropped me off at camp with a bunch of freaks - i mean, these guys were deaf and blind, and some of them were even dumb!’

this is a comment to which even our kids, who love making fun of people, responded: ‘that was bad.’

–

rusty: ‘i mean, women are more likely to ruin relationships. they are just a ball of emotions, whereas guys are purely physical.’

–

rusty: ‘i know what guys think the perfect girl is - she just walks around the house wearing lingerie…and that’s pretty much it.’

tyler leans over to me: ‘bitches ain’t shit.’

me: ‘i know, right? she’s got to at least cook and clean too.’

after the final session of the week, i was proud when my kids told me:

cari: ‘that guy was just stupid.’

jake: ‘j, they should have hired you.’

tyler, on the evaluation form: ‘j is too smart of a youth director for this guy to have any effect on our kids.’

and the only comment i left on the evaluation was: ’stop confusing our kids. thanks.’

as a result of the week, my interns and i have developed a system where when i call: ‘cacaw, cacaw!’ (think bottlerocket), we all get up and lead the kids out of the room…

****

but there were several aspects of the retreat that were a lot of fun, including a great game of tag football, where i was all-time quarterback and declared myself tony romo - the irony of which hit full force when the game ended in a pick 6 (that means an interception returned for a touchdown) on the goal line…

also, on new years eve we had a bonfire and a fireworks show, during which one of the girls pulled on my arm and said: ‘j! look at the stars! they are so beautiful! they kind of look like fireworks too!’

me: ’stars are fireworks that god puts in the sky forever.’

later, much later, tyler shows up to the bonfire and kisses everyone he sees in celebration of the new year, including russell on the lips. one of the kids ask me: ‘j, is that wine of tyler’s breath?’

me: ‘probably.’

also, a communion service, which i took part in without removing my stocking cap…

clara: ’shouldn’t you not be wearing that?’

me: ‘that’s not in the bible. if it’s not in the bible, i don’t do it.’

****

for the most part, the week went well and we all had fun. i’ll finish by relaying this little cherry on top:

sitting around the table with some adults during breakfast, a conversation about money and ministry and life and the future is taking place…

me: ‘this is why we are lucky jesus died in his early thirties. if he had lived to be sixty or seventy, his message would have been quite different: listen guys, forget what i said when i was young and idealistic - get as much money as you can, secure your future, and make sure you have enough to fulfill your responsibilities. i mean, damn - families, houses, and building churches is expensive!’

i walk in and take a seat at the bar, behind which instead of a hot bartender and beer, i see a tall asian man and a bunch of raw fish…

asian: ‘hello!’

me: ‘ah, hi.’

the waitress hands me a menu and waits as i look it over. i’m not really understanding anything i’m reading, but i do see the words ‘tuna’ and ’salmon,’ so i point to this item and say: ‘i’ll take that.’

she says: ‘you want snow crab?’

this hits me as the most amazing question ever, and i reply: ‘very much so.’

she offers me a wet towel, but i say: ‘no thanks.’

she leaves and i’m left alone at the bar with the asian man. he begins to prepare my meal.

asian: ‘you ole miss?’

me: ‘no, i just live here.’

asian: ‘oh…[he laughs]…you live here!’

me: ‘yes, i do.’

our conversation stalls there for awhile as he works incredibly hard to put raw fish on a plate…

after about ten minutes, he places the plate before me. it becomes clear to me that i had no idea what i was ordering.

i’m used to the sushi that comes in rolls, but apparently this is not how ‘traditional’ sushi is served. out of the eight items on my plate, only one of them is rolled up. the rest are simply slivers of fish in a variety of colors, wrapped around white rice. one of them, the snow crab, is a piece of snow crab tied to a chuck of rice.

me, to myself: ‘it’s fine.’

i unwrap my chop sticks and begin the difficult process of grabbing the fish, dipping it into the soy sauce, and placing it in my mouth…

as i struggle to do this, the asian man laughs…

me: ‘yeah, i’m not very good with the chop sticks.’

asian: ‘traditional sushi not eaten with chop sticks!’

at this point he says something that i don’t understand, the only words of which i decipher are ‘wet towel’ and ‘fingers.’

me: ‘ah, so that’s what that towel was for - cool, i’ll have to try that next time.’

asian: ‘yes! hahaha!’

at this point, sitting there eating my fish, watching this man watch me, i feel inclined to continue our conversation.

me: ’so how long have you guys been here?’

asian: ‘i have been here eight month!’

me: ‘oh, wow. where are you from?’

asian: ‘i am from jackson!’

in my head: ‘bullshit, you are not from this hemisphere.’

me: ‘ah, cool. i’ve been there.’

he notices that i am not eating my wasabi and says: ‘you no like wasabi?’

me: ‘no, a little to spicy for me.’

asian: ‘[not a language i know]‘

me: ‘yeah.’

again the conversation stalls, and he watches me finish my fish…

asian: ‘what your name?’

me: ‘i’m j.’

asian: ‘[again, i don't know. something that started with a j i think]‘

me: ‘it’s nice to meet you.’

asian: ‘j, next time you in, i suggest something for you. sushi not for you!’

me: ‘maybe so.’

i finish everything on my plate, except the wasabi, pay my $25 bill, and get up to leave…

asian: ‘goodbye, j! see you next time!’

me: ‘you too.’

now i’m home - and a little hungry…

it’s absurd that in 2004 dallas cutting quincy carter made room to keep then undrafted rookie tony romo on the roster…

it’s ridiculous that this year dallas traded a first round draft pick to detroit for former first round draft pick wide receiver roy williams…

it’s absurd that roy williams has caught only 17 passes in the six games since…

it’s ridiculous that after losing tony romo, roy williams (the safety), felix jones, terence newman, matt mcbriar, pacman jones, anthony henry, mike jenkins, marion barber, jason witten, sam hurd, ken hamlin, and several others - a list that includes at least 6 first round draft picks - that after losing all those players for extensive time during this season, all dallas had to do was win today and they’d be in the playoffs…

it’s absurd that dallas lost today 44-6 to the philadelphia eagles…

it’s both ridiculous and absurd that something i have absolutely no control over in any way has such a pull on my emotions, can make me so angry and disappointed, and ultimately drain my will to live…

godfuckingdamnit.

tyler: ‘no, we are just southern.’

me: ‘come on - your mascot is ‘colonel rebel’ - a freaking confederate solider!’

tyler: ‘no, he’s just a regular rebel, unaffiliated with any cause.’

me: ‘AND you sing ‘the south will rise again’ at your football games!’

tyler: ‘not me. i sing - the south…is a nice place to live.’

i come home about midnight, and we decide to watch ‘the dark knight’…

several hours later…

sam is passed out on the couch while tyler and i watch episodes of ‘the office’ on dvd…

i get up to get a beer, tyler hands me his glass…

me: ‘this is a gin and tonic, right?’

tyler: ‘yes.’

sam, from the couch, bursts into laughter: ‘what the hell, it’s like 5:30 in the morning!’

me: ‘yeah?’

sam: ‘doesn’t anyone sleep around here?’

me: ‘what?’

sam, still laughing: ‘what the hell! i mean, i woke up for pieces of the second viewing of ‘the dark knight,’ but this is ridiculous!’

me: ’sam, shhh. it’s fine. go back to sleep.’

i return from the kitchen with a gin and tonic and a cold keystone light in a can…

me: ’sam, do you want a breakfast beer?’

sam: ‘what the hell!’

me: ‘all right, well i’m going to make some spaghetti o’s - do you want some?’

sam: ‘…ah, actually yeah.’

a little later sam leaves to go to work, tyler and i watch a few more episodes of ‘the office’…

tyler: ‘hell, it’s getting light outside.’

me: ‘well, we are up - want to go to prayer breakfast?’

tyler: ’sure.’

we roll out to meet the sr. high kids at phillips grocery for some delicious breakfast…

tyler: ‘really?’

me: ‘i said this when he died, but they are going to give heath ledger the academy award for best supporting actor.’

tyler: ‘you mean the gay?’

me: ‘the gay?’

tyler: ‘yeah, he made that gay movie.’

me: ‘…you mean brokeback mountain?’

tyler: ‘yeah, you know, with the gays.’

me: ‘dude, he is not really gay. actually, he’s dead.’

tyler: ‘the dead gay, then.’

From our family to yours...Merry Christmas!

dex: ’so, you want to play darts?’

tyler: ‘i don’t know. do you?’

dex: ‘a little bit.’

tyler: ‘well i guess we could.’

dex: ‘yeah.’

tyler: ‘where are the darts?’

dex: ‘you have to give them an id.’

tyler: ‘really?’

dex: ‘yeah, so you won’t run off with the darts.’

tyler: ‘i guess that’s smart.’

dex: ‘yeah. so you want to play?’

tyler: ‘i don’t know. do you?’

dex: ‘i mean we could.’

tyler: ‘but we have to go get the darts.’

dex: ‘yeah. i can get them. if you want to play.’

tyler: ‘really? yeah. i don’t know.’

dex: ‘well i just go get them, in case.’

tyler: ‘ok, yeah. that sounds good.’

dex: ‘ok.’

me: ‘thank fucking god.’

me: ‘how could they possibly have known that? wow.’

i realize that we have probably elected the antichrist - and it occurred to me yesterday that the antichrist will probably not even be aware himself that he is the antichrist, that he will probably believe that he is doing good and not be a willfully malignant force of evil in the world - which of course is the way it was always going to be. somehow i always overlooked that fact, being shaped as i was to believe that the antichrist sits at the right hand of satan. but of course that’s not the case, nor was it ever going to be. evil easily recognized is always defeated - it’s the evil we can’t see that defeats us. and of course there are several antichrists - but even by the definition of an ‘antichrist’ that i believe to be theologically valid and biblically correct, obama scares the shit out of me.

but satan he is not. as an old friend recently commented to me, aaron sorkin is the devil, or god, or at least an oracle or prophet. he literally scripted the future - so much so, that i half expected joe biden to die last night. (although to be fair, he only consulted and did story work the last three seasons, he didn’t write any scripts.)

we elected a man named barack hussein obama, only a few years after someone named osama murdered over three thousand americans, and we overthrew and executed another murderer named hussein. and while focusing on names is not only shallow, but incredibly ridiculous, anyone around for 9/11 or either iraq war will recall how much america hated those names, along with the men to which they belonged. back then, i wouldn’t have thought it possible that america could elect someone with the name barack hussein obama, and i think we should acknowledge what a step forward this is for our nation - a nation that generally feasts on the shallow and ridiculous.

in any case, i’m glad that racism is finally over. now when i am an ass to a black person, it’s just because i’m an asshole, and not because i’m racist. i think that’s a step forward too.

even so, i think we have a pretty good chance that someone will at least take a shot at obama’s life at some point during his first term. i don’t think that’s a secret, but it too scares the shit out of me. whatever real progress we’ve made in race relations will be set back immeasurably, and beyond riots in the streets. though, i will say with some sense of trepidation, a man’s message can be served by his own death - see jesus, or mlk, or lennon. and while i think a blood stained message carries more weight and power (tyler and i disagree here - an argument we had at 3am last night, where he posited that mlk’s message would have been better served had he lived another 20 years), i hope this is not obama’s or our nation’s fate.

i wrote a poem two nights ago that i will post here soon entitled ‘the eve before.’ there was some sense of impending hope and doom that mixed together in my heart, but i’m not sure i’m ready to express it yet. you’ll see what i mean later.

as i write this, sitting at the pig, a group of young republicans is meeting at the table next to me, basically saying: ‘fuck.’

last night was huge, on at least two different levels. i’m working out my thoughts for a post on a different website (thedesertvoice.org), but just a thought here. it was big on a kind of transcendent level that none of us will ever fully understand, the first black president, who with some irony, is an actual african-american, born of an african and an american. obama’s speech about the woman born a generation away from slavery, whose parents had been slaves, and who voted for the first black president, brought tears to my eyes. it comes with hope, but also a great amount of expectation - an idea that i think no one man can bear, and because of which i feel concern for obama. whatever you believe about the man, he has the aura of a messiah, and if he doesn’t save the world, i’m afraid his presidency will be considered a failure.

on a much smaller, more measurable, though not entirely disconnected level, it was big for the future of this country where i find myself a citizen, in terms of health care, education, and the wars. hope springs on both levels, and disappointment looms…

as soon as they called the election for obama, i burst out my front door and yelled: obama is the president of the united states!’

and then, still outside, busted into song at the top of my voice:

‘i can show you the world
shining, shimmering, splendid
tell me, [america], now when did
you last let your heart decide?
i can open your eyes
take you wonder by wonder
over, sideways and under
on a magic carpet ride

a whole new world
a new fantastic point of view
no one to tell us no
or where to go
or say we’re only dreaming…’

and i have been singing/whistling it all day long…

obama winning the presidency was an incredible moment - but probably the coolest moment of the entire evening was when cnn busted out their new star wars-esque hologram. i couldn’t help but saying it: ‘help me wolf blitzer, you’re my only hope.’

even after all this, however, with the hope, excitement, and celebration, i know that none of it really matters from a kingdom of god perspective. god remains god, and whoever the president of the united states is, or will be, doesn’t change that. nor does it change what it means to be a faithful follower of jesus christ. the hope barack obama preaches is not the hope of jesus christ or the kingdom of god, and while i don’t want to say that these things are not entirely disconnected, they are not entirely commensurable either. i can’t help but think that even barack obama would crucify jesus christ, as would we all…

at the end of the day, or perhaps end of days, i feel more like my favorite team won the superbowl than that i’m living in a whole new world - and i’m not entirely sure that the former wouldn’t excite me more…