overflow(ing)…
some highlights from our youth retreat, ‘overflow’, over the new year:
wade bounces a golf ball in the cabin…
me: ‘wade, stop. you are going to break a tile or something.’
wade: ‘okay. i’m sorry.’
he bounces the ball again…
me: ‘wade.’
wade: ‘what? i said i’m sorry. what do you want me to do, stop?’
****
the guys stayed in sam’s cabin this week, which came outfitted with a fridge, coffee pot, and tv. the kids were explicitly told not to mess with any of this…
about an hour after we arrive, i walk into the cabin to find that not only are there girls in the cabin, which is against the rules, but they are all watching the tv…
youth: ‘oh! sorry!’
i walk around to see that they are watching ‘billy madison’…
me: ‘i love this movie.’
youth: ‘what? you’ve seen this?’
me: ‘dear god, this movie came out when i was your age. i watched it twice a day for five years.’
i sit down and watch the movie with them…
we watch it and ‘tommy boy’ about 3 times a piece the rest of the retreat…
during one such viewing of ‘tommy boy’ the next day, russell walks into the cabin…
russ: ‘oh hey, look at this. girls in the cabin, laying on the bed with boys, and a movie. you guys are breaking just about every major rule we have here at camp.’
me: ‘yeah, sorry.’
russ: ‘nah, it’s fine. this was my youth group when i was a kid. what are we watching?’
he sticks around to finish ‘tommy boy’…
****
tyler and the camp nurse spend a good deal of time together during the retreat, including an incident that involves her sucking chocolate off his finger in the dinning hall, and another where tyler walks into the infirmary after lights out with a pillow, all of which our kids witness and leads them to believe tyler is trying to hook up with the nurse…
the kids respond to this in different ways, but ian’s is perhaps the best. it involves the following:
ian: ‘i think i should try to hook up with the nurse.’
me: ‘oh yeah? you have a crush on her too?’
ian: ‘no, but i want tyler to die alone.’
and later, while we are hanging out in the cabin, and tyler is swinging around a golf club…
ian: ‘tyler, i’m taking the nurse from you.’
tyler: ‘oh yeah? how are you going to do that?’
ian: ‘i conveniently let it slip to her that you don’t go to church.’
wade: ‘ian, do you not realize he has a golf club in his hand?’
ian: ‘whatever, i go to church, i have the power of jesus christ.’
****
our speaker this week, rusty, was a particularly special gift…
here are some gems:
rusty: ‘when i was seven, my parents dropped me off at camp with a bunch of freaks - i mean, these guys were deaf and blind, and some of them were even dumb!’
this is a comment to which even our kids, who love making fun of people, responded: ‘that was bad.’
–
rusty: ‘i mean, women are more likely to ruin relationships. they are just a ball of emotions, whereas guys are purely physical.’
–
rusty: ‘i know what guys think the perfect girl is - she just walks around the house wearing lingerie…and that’s pretty much it.’
tyler leans over to me: ‘bitches ain’t shit.’
me: ‘i know, right? she’s got to at least cook and clean too.’
after the final session of the week, i was proud when my kids told me:
cari: ‘that guy was just stupid.’
jake: ‘j, they should have hired you.’
tyler, on the evaluation form: ‘j is too smart of a youth director for this guy to have any effect on our kids.’
and the only comment i left on the evaluation was: ’stop confusing our kids. thanks.’
as a result of the week, my interns and i have developed a system where when i call: ‘cacaw, cacaw!’ (think bottlerocket), we all get up and lead the kids out of the room…
****
but there were several aspects of the retreat that were a lot of fun, including a great game of tag football, where i was all-time quarterback and declared myself tony romo - the irony of which hit full force when the game ended in a pick 6 (that means an interception returned for a touchdown) on the goal line…
also, on new years eve we had a bonfire and a fireworks show, during which one of the girls pulled on my arm and said: ‘j! look at the stars! they are so beautiful! they kind of look like fireworks too!’
me: ’stars are fireworks that god puts in the sky forever.’
later, much later, tyler shows up to the bonfire and kisses everyone he sees in celebration of the new year, including russell on the lips. one of the kids ask me: ‘j, is that wine of tyler’s breath?’
me: ‘probably.’
also, a communion service, which i took part in without removing my stocking cap…
clara: ’shouldn’t you not be wearing that?’
me: ‘that’s not in the bible. if it’s not in the bible, i don’t do it.’
****
for the most part, the week went well and we all had fun. i’ll finish by relaying this little cherry on top:
sitting around the table with some adults during breakfast, a conversation about money and ministry and life and the future is taking place…
me: ‘this is why we are lucky jesus died in his early thirties. if he had lived to be sixty or seventy, his message would have been quite different: listen guys, forget what i said when i was young and idealistic - get as much money as you can, secure your future, and make sure you have enough to fulfill your responsibilities. i mean, damn - families, houses, and building churches is expensive!’
a guy walks into a (sushi) bar…
i decided to try the new sushi bar for dinner tonight…
i walk in and take a seat at the bar, behind which instead of a hot bartender and beer, i see a tall asian man and a bunch of raw fish…
asian: ‘hello!’
me: ‘ah, hi.’
the waitress hands me a menu and waits as i look it over. i’m not really understanding anything i’m reading, but i do see the words ‘tuna’ and ’salmon,’ so i point to this item and say: ‘i’ll take that.’
she says: ‘you want snow crab?’
this hits me as the most amazing question ever, and i reply: ‘very much so.’
she offers me a wet towel, but i say: ‘no thanks.’
she leaves and i’m left alone at the bar with the asian man. he begins to prepare my meal.
asian: ‘you ole miss?’
me: ‘no, i just live here.’
asian: ‘oh…[he laughs]…you live here!’
me: ‘yes, i do.’
our conversation stalls there for awhile as he works incredibly hard to put raw fish on a plate…
after about ten minutes, he places the plate before me. it becomes clear to me that i had no idea what i was ordering.
i’m used to the sushi that comes in rolls, but apparently this is not how ‘traditional’ sushi is served. out of the eight items on my plate, only one of them is rolled up. the rest are simply slivers of fish in a variety of colors, wrapped around white rice. one of them, the snow crab, is a piece of snow crab tied to a chuck of rice.
me, to myself: ‘it’s fine.’
i unwrap my chop sticks and begin the difficult process of grabbing the fish, dipping it into the soy sauce, and placing it in my mouth…
as i struggle to do this, the asian man laughs…
me: ‘yeah, i’m not very good with the chop sticks.’
asian: ‘traditional sushi not eaten with chop sticks!’
at this point he says something that i don’t understand, the only words of which i decipher are ‘wet towel’ and ‘fingers.’
me: ‘ah, so that’s what that towel was for - cool, i’ll have to try that next time.’
asian: ‘yes! hahaha!’
at this point, sitting there eating my fish, watching this man watch me, i feel inclined to continue our conversation.
me: ’so how long have you guys been here?’
asian: ‘i have been here eight month!’
me: ‘oh, wow. where are you from?’
asian: ‘i am from jackson!’
in my head: ‘bullshit, you are not from this hemisphere.’
me: ‘ah, cool. i’ve been there.’
he notices that i am not eating my wasabi and says: ‘you no like wasabi?’
me: ‘no, a little to spicy for me.’
asian: ‘[not a language i know]‘
me: ‘yeah.’
again the conversation stalls, and he watches me finish my fish…
asian: ‘what your name?’
me: ‘i’m j.’
asian: ‘[again, i don't know. something that started with a j i think]‘
me: ‘it’s nice to meet you.’
asian: ‘j, next time you in, i suggest something for you. sushi not for you!’
me: ‘maybe so.’
i finish everything on my plate, except the wasabi, pay my $25 bill, and get up to leave…
asian: ‘goodbye, j! see you next time!’
me: ‘you too.’
now i’m home - and a little hungry…
the ridiculous absurdity of it all…
it’s ridiculous that dallas in 2001 drafted quincy carter over drew brees, when today quincy is in jail and brees came 16 yards short of breaking dan marino’s single season passing yardage record…
it’s absurd that in 2004 dallas cutting quincy carter made room to keep then undrafted rookie tony romo on the roster…
it’s ridiculous that this year dallas traded a first round draft pick to detroit for former first round draft pick wide receiver roy williams…
it’s absurd that roy williams has caught only 17 passes in the six games since…
it’s ridiculous that after losing tony romo, roy williams (the safety), felix jones, terence newman, matt mcbriar, pacman jones, anthony henry, mike jenkins, marion barber, jason witten, sam hurd, ken hamlin, and several others - a list that includes at least 6 first round draft picks - that after losing all those players for extensive time during this season, all dallas had to do was win today and they’d be in the playoffs…
it’s absurd that dallas lost today 44-6 to the philadelphia eagles…
it’s both ridiculous and absurd that something i have absolutely no control over in any way has such a pull on my emotions, can make me so angry and disappointed, and ultimately drain my will to live…
godfuckingdamnit.
rebel rabble…
me: ‘dude, admit it - ole miss is a racist school.’
tyler: ‘no, we are just southern.’
me: ‘come on - your mascot is ‘colonel rebel’ - a freaking confederate solider!’
tyler: ‘no, he’s just a regular rebel, unaffiliated with any cause.’
me: ‘AND you sing ‘the south will rise again’ at your football games!’
tyler: ‘not me. i sing - the south…is a nice place to live.’
conversations preceding my getting fired, vol. 4
about 10:30pm sam shows up at the house, tyler is studying for a final, and i’m out on the town…
i come home about midnight, and we decide to watch ‘the dark knight’…
several hours later…
sam is passed out on the couch while tyler and i watch episodes of ‘the office’ on dvd…
i get up to get a beer, tyler hands me his glass…
me: ‘this is a gin and tonic, right?’
tyler: ‘yes.’
sam, from the couch, bursts into laughter: ‘what the hell, it’s like 5:30 in the morning!’
me: ‘yeah?’
sam: ‘doesn’t anyone sleep around here?’
me: ‘what?’
sam, still laughing: ‘what the hell! i mean, i woke up for pieces of the second viewing of ‘the dark knight,’ but this is ridiculous!’
me: ’sam, shhh. it’s fine. go back to sleep.’
i return from the kitchen with a gin and tonic and a cold keystone light in a can…
me: ’sam, do you want a breakfast beer?’
sam: ‘what the hell!’
me: ‘all right, well i’m going to make some spaghetti o’s - do you want some?’
sam: ‘…ah, actually yeah.’
a little later sam leaves to go to work, tyler and i watch a few more episodes of ‘the office’…
tyler: ‘hell, it’s getting light outside.’
me: ‘well, we are up - want to go to prayer breakfast?’
tyler: ’sure.’
we roll out to meet the sr. high kids at phillips grocery for some delicious breakfast…
a dark (k)night…
me, reading the december paste magazine’s best movies of the year: ‘hey, they ranked ‘the dark knight’ number two.’
tyler: ‘really?’
me: ‘i said this when he died, but they are going to give heath ledger the academy award for best supporting actor.’
tyler: ‘you mean the gay?’
me: ‘the gay?’
tyler: ‘yeah, he made that gay movie.’
me: ‘…you mean brokeback mountain?’
tyler: ‘yeah, you know, with the gays.’
me: ‘dude, he is not really gay. actually, he’s dead.’
tyler: ‘the dead gay, then.’
a christmas gift…
From our family to yours...Merry Christmas!